Let’s be frank, a good amount of us are looking at a future of singledom. It’s in your best interest to get ahead of the game and trade weekend Grindr tricks for weekend dog park trips. (See what I did there?) If you haven’t yet committed to a four legged life partner, here’s a guide to make sure you pick the right breed for you.
Gay Type: Twinks
We get it: you’re young and you’re thin and you know all the dance moves to every Beyoncé/Lady Gaga/Britney song at the club. You need a statement breed equally high maintenance but small enough for you to stay in control of. A pomeranian or chihuahua will make for the perfect pup to cradle while out on a Starbucks run. Best of all, when you’re past your prime and work to transition to Twunk status, their tiny stature will accentuate your muscle bod.
Gay Type: Bears
As the stockier of the gays, it may be tempting to choose a more masculine dog to emphasize your stature. Resist the temptation and go for a breed that’s equal parts rough and cuddly. Breeds like cairn terriers and schnauzers fit the bill. Mid sized with a stocky build and wiry hair, they’ll be totally masc at the dog park but down to cuddle on the couch.
Gay Type: Otter
Otters are the chameleons of the gay world. Your slender frame lets you fit in with the twinks but your body hair and scruff give you masc cred for the jocks. Choose an equally slender and athletic breed of dog like a German or Australian Shepherd. Both make a suitable companion for shirtless hikes or frisbee games.
Gay Type: Gay Lister
Dog Breed: Labrador Retriever
You’ve moved on up in the world with a professional gig, gorgeous house, and designer duds. Nothing proves you’ve made it in America more than a picket fence breed like a labrador retriever. Sure, it’s a dog that’s going to shed all over the house but you probably already have a maid service anyway. As a bonus, have the dog trained to retrieve cans of beer from the fridge. After a long day of closing deals in the office, you’ll be thankful you did.
Gay Type: Gaymer
Dog Breed: Cat
You have an open disdain for the “scene” and feel more at home with a group of nerd bros. Your type of dog is a cat. I dunno dude, I didn’t make this up.
Above all else, keep your street cred by adopting a rescue.