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Fotos y Recuerdos: The Story of My First Diva

Diva Wednesday: Selena

No quiero saber de más problemas ya

There I was, a first grader in Eagle Pass, Texas. Riding in my dad’s pick up truck, living dangerously without the safety of a seatbelt, listening to his soundtrack of Tejano hits. Grupo Mazz. La Mafia. And my favorite, the reigning queen of cumbia, Selena y los Dinos. At this age, I obviously had no concept of the latest trends but Ven Conmigo was my everything. My number one track was No Quiero Saber with its dance-pop vibes, a departure from the polkas and cumbias on the rest of the album. “No quiero saber de mas problemas ya.” “Play the song where she says ‘ja’!” I would demand, impersonating the hard j sound she sang on the track. It amused me since I pronounced the word with a y, as it’s spelled.

Not growing up fully bilingual, I was often out of place in my hometown where Spanish was the dominant language. And in my own home, we listened to Spanish language music and watched Spanish language TV. My Spanish was terrible and my vocabulary was so minimal, it often felt like these pop cultural treasures were not my own. Because I couldn’t understand, I often wanted to listen to anything other than Tejano or cumbia. Selena y los Dinos was the sole exception.

This is how my identity split in two. A concept every queer person comes to know too well. My Mexican-self watched telenovelas, listened to cumbia, and ate tacos. My American-self dominated my conversation and my thinking. And here was Selena, casually dropping contemporary English language pop tracks on traditional Spanish language LPs. A female icon in a male-dominated genre. Singing in Spanish when she mostly spoke English. A fellow Texan piecing together her Mexican and American identities. And that’s how the universe introduced me to my very first diva.

¿Tú que creías, tú que creías?

Que te ibas a encontrar

Un amor mejor que el mío

When I heard that my parents were going to the Selena dance, I was ecstatic. For the uninitiated, the Tejano scene doesn’t do concerts. They do dances. You don’t go to a theater to sit and watch a show. You go to a dance hall or nightclub to baila sin parar while the band performs. Cumbias are danced in a circle, almost in a follow the leader formation. It’s a beautiful experience that seems to be missing from most music scenes, especially in the world of celebrity DJs where too often the crowd idly watches a barely-there performance rather than experiencing the music.

You can guess that a smoky dance hall is clearly no place for a child. And despite my pleading, my parents wouldn’t entertain the idea of me coming to the Selena dance. I refused to back down from my demands. My diva was on my turf and I deserved to go. I begged. I pleaded. I threw my own things in anger. I had already picked out my outfit. Dark wranglers, my best western shirt, and cowboy boots. My dad could buy me a new cowboy hat in Mexico, anything for Selenas.

Spoiler alert: I spent the night at my grandparents’ house watching black and white Disney films and eating delivery pizza until I passed out. The next morning my mom gifted me a button with a picture of the Entre Mi Mundo album cover. At the end of the night, my parents were standing at the front of the crowd when Selena, who had been wearing a denim jacket with a few pieces of flare, took off the pin from her jacket and threw it into the crowd. My mom reached out and caught it. I cherished that pin for my entire childhood. Never questioning my mom’s version of events and relaying it every chance I had. Because it happened. Just. Like. That.

Y es todo lo que me queda de tu amor

Solo fotos y recuerdos

By the time Amor Prohibido was released, Selena mania was everywhere. Bidi Bidi Bom Bom was played to death and I’m not always sure I can listen to it to this day. Selena y los Dinos had become the soundtrack of every backyard BBQ and school dance. I had my own copy of Amor Prohibido on cassette tape and played it over and over again on my walkman. Walking through the playground, I imagined myself in a white ruffled shirt, leather jacket, and hoop earrings. What? I was a budding homosexual and this was my dream.

It was the middle of the afternoon when our school’s secretary burst into our classroom. She was hysterical and sobbing incoherently. “They killed Selena!” she ran down the hallway to the next room to make the announcement. We looked around at each other in confusion. “What?” After our lesson was over, we were allowed to listen to the radio. Selena Quintanilla Perez had died.

I’d never lost someone I cared so much for in such a violent way. But Selena was a celebrity and just an image in photos and a voice on cassettes. It was a numbing feeling that I didn’t understand. Our entire community was at a loss. My sister and I collected every memento to mark the occasion. The commemorative issue of People magazine. The rapidly published biographies. The t-shirts memorializing la reina. We made a pilgrimage to the Selena boutique in San Antonio and bought baseball caps with Selena’s logo. I took in all things Selena. Spending my afternoons reading the countless articles written about her life and impact. As I learned that Selena herself spoke very little Spanish, I felt an even deeper connection to the diva.

To this day there’s a story from a young fan that I carry with me as her experience seemed to reflect mine so well. In memorializing Selena, she said that Selena gave her pride in her culture. Before discovering Selena’s music, she felt ashamed of speaking Spanish and being Mexican. It was Selena and her music that helped her appreciate her own culture.

Even though I grew up in a community that just so happens to be split by an international border, that is overwhelmingly Mexican, a sense of self-shame still exists. To live on the American side meant you were better than your neighbors. Getting into the identity crisis of being culturally and physically Mexican while trying to feel superior to the Mexican citizen is a topic for another day but Selena brought Mexican-American culture to the brink of the mainstream. Unapologetically straddling two worlds in cowboy boots and a bustier while modernizing traditional Tejano music with 90s dance pop. Never had I felt so allowed to be so Mexican in America. Yes, you can have two cultures.

Como la flor

Con tanto amor

Me diste tú

Se marchitó

The filming of the Selena movie was so hotly anticipated in south Texas. We counted down the days until its release. Finally, not only would our queen be given the silver screen treatment she deserved, but the world would know her just as we had. For me, the movie itself exists as its own marker in my personal history. Aside from the story, I’m deeply attached to the rural south Texas landscape and cultural spaces of my home that are etched in cinematic glory for the outside world.

Edward James Olmos lamenting that Mexican-Americans have to work twice as hard. To be more Mexican than the Mexicans and more American than the Americans. Never had someone vocalized my own frustrations so perfectly. A sentiment that rings true to this day. “Me siento muy…excited!” and “Anything for Selenas!” are deeply embedded into pop culture at a time when her music has come back in vogue and numerous artists have paid their homage.

Over the years, many other divas have entered my life and made their mark, but never again would I have an icon like Selena. Representation can truly affect the place you see for yourself in the world. Had Selena’s foray into the mainstream pop world been realized, I can’t help but wonder the deeper implications for Mexican-Americans and other Latinx groups. To have a pop culture icon that validates your bi-cultural experience and your background, to prove that your existence isn’t exotic. That yes, you can speak two languages, embrace multiple customs, and be celebrated for it. And more importantly for me, you can be Mexican and American and unapologetically Texan.

Es el mas dulce recuerdo de mi vida.

In Life

The Gay Guide to Dogs

Let’s be frank, a good amount of us are looking at a future of singledom. It’s in your best interest to get ahead of the game and trade weekend Grindr tricks for weekend dog park trips. (See what I did there?) If you haven’t yet committed to a four legged life partner, here’s a guide to make sure you pick the right breed for you.

Gay Type: Twinks

Dog Breed: PomeranianChihuahua

We get it: you’re young and you’re thin and you know all the dance moves to every Beyoncé/Lady Gaga/Britney song at the club. You need a statement breed equally high maintenance but small enough for you to stay in control of. A pomeranian or chihuahua will make for the perfect pup to cradle while out on a Starbucks run. Best of all, when you’re past your prime and working to transition to Twunk status, their tiny stature will accentuate your muscle bod.

Gay Type: Bears

Dog Breed: Cairn TerrierSchnauzer

As the stockier of the gays, it may be tempting to choose a more masculine dog to emphasize your stature. Resist the temptation and go for a breed that’s equal parts rough and cuddly. Breeds like cairn terriers and schnauzers fit the bill. Mid sized with a stocky build and wiry hair, they’ll be totally masc at the dog park but down to cuddle on the couch.

Gay Type: Otter

Dog Breed: German ShepherdAustralian Shepherd

Otters are the chameleons of the gay world. Your slender frame lets you fit in with the twinks but your body hair and scruff give you masc cred for the jocks. Choose an equally slender and athletic  breed of dog like a German or Australian Shepherd. Both make a suitable companion for shirtless hikes or frisbee games.

Gay Type: Gay Lister

Dog Breed: Labrador Retriever

You’ve moved on up in the world with a professional gig, gorgeous house, and designer duds. Nothing proves you’ve made it in America more than a picket fence breed like a labrador retriever. Sure, it’s a dog that’s going to shed all over the house but you probably already have a maid service anyway. As a bonus, have the dog trained to retrieve cans of beer from the fridge. After a long day of closing deals in the office, you’ll be thankful you did.

Gay Type: Gaymer

Dog Breed: Cat

You have an open disdain for the “scene” and feel more at home with a group of nerd bros. Your type of dog is a cat. I dunno dude, I didn’t make this up.

Above all else, keep your street cred by adopting a rescue.

In Life

5 Easy Ways To Fight For LGBTQ Rights

This past November ushered in a Rainbow Wave of LGBTQ representatives into the halls of Congress. It’s easy to get complacent with these types of wins, but it’s important to keep momentum. I’ve always been politically active and the current political climate has spurred me to be even more persistent with my actions. Websites like 5 Calls and Resistbot are hugely important for improving the process of speaking up and being active. Even when I feel overwhelmed by the day’s news, it’s a relief to turn to these resources and have manageable tasks and avenues to participate. Celebrate this MLK Day by supporting the fight for LGBTQ rights and equality. Here are 5 things you can do to support our community.

Oppose Human Rights Opponent Neomi Rao For DC Circuit Judge

Donald Trump’s judicial nominee for the the DC Circuit has a history of writing inflammatory op-eds in college where she called LGBTQ issues a passing trend. Rao has no judicial experience, so her op-eds and legal writings form the basis of her qualifications. She’s also criticized advancements in LGBTQ rights like the decriminalization of gay sex and striking down of the Defense of Marriage Act. The DC Circuit is considered the 2nd most important court behind the Supreme Court.

Contact your representatives to oppose her nomination.

Oppose Anti-LGBTQ Howard Nielson Jr. For Federal Judgeship

Another judicial nominee, Howard Nielsen Jr, has a long history of bigotry. During the lawsuits over California’s Prop 8, Nielsen argued that Judge Walker (who ruled the proposition was unconstitutional) was incapable of ruling fairly because he’s gay. Nielson also argued against marriage equality in the landmark Supreme Court case Obergefell v. Hodges where he argued that gay couples couldn’t raise children in stable and enduring family units.

Contact your representatives to oppose his nomination.

Oppose Anti-civil Rights Attorney Eric Murphy For The 6th Circuit

And yet another judicial nominee, Eric Murphy, has an anti-LGBTQ record from his time as the State Solicitor for Ohio. He also argued against marriage equality in Obergefell v. Hodges.

In Gloucester County School Board v. G.G, Murphy argued for discrimination against transgender students by not allowing them to use the bathroom corresponding with their gender identity.

Contact your representatives to oppose his nomination.

Equality Act

With Democrats in control of the House, Nancy Pelosi has said she would give the Equality Act high priority. This legislation would define sexual orientation and gender identity as protected characteristics in existing federal civil rights legislation. This would protect the LGBTQ from discrimination when it comes to housing, public accomodations, and and employment.

Contact your representatives to support the Equality Act.

Find legislation in your state

Aside from these federal issues, there are numerous laws making their way through state houses. Oklahoma has 10 bills related to LGBTQ discrimination. Search for issues in your state and contact your state representative.

In Entertainment/ Queer Music Club

Queer Music Club: “Homotopia” by Sam Vance-Law

Who: Sam Vance-Law

Album: Homotopia

What’s it like: A queer dreamscape that mixes indie rock with operatic ballads.

Standouts: Wanted To, Let’s Get Married, I Think We Should Take It Fast

Lyrics for your Instagram captions:

Please do not ask
Why I asked him to dance
I still cannot explain
But I think that it was just
Cause I wanted to

Wanted To

Yeah I saw you in the club
And I knew that I loved you

Let’s Get Married

All the straight boys want him
And all the pretty girls wanna look just like him
Cause he’s fine

Prettyboy

Where you’re most likely to hear it: Your hipster hook-up’s Spotify playlists, a Berlin coffee haus

Why you should listen to it: The album features beautiful vignettes of queer lives that are often ignored by mainstream pop and have yet to be commercialized for mass audiences. Settling into relationships, coming out in middle age, relationships with inappropriate age gaps are all explored to the soundtrack of swooning orchestral arrangements and lo-fi indie rock.